


Breathe.

by 4Video_Games_and_Anime2



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Bromance, I'm Bad At Tagging, M/M, No Smut, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Poor Kuroo Tetsurou, Poor Life Choices, Slight Drug Use, kenma has cancer, kenma is crippled, kenma is gay af, kenma lowkey depressed, kuroo bisexual vibes, lmao someone might die, mainly Kuroo and Kenma but some slight kagehina and bokuaka
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-05
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:54:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 7,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23020537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/4Video_Games_and_Anime2/pseuds/4Video_Games_and_Anime2
Summary: For as long as he can remember, Kuroo has always been with Kenma. No matter how hard Kenma tried to blend into the crowd, Kuroo always picked him out; but when middle school came, everything changed. They were separated into different classes, found new friends, and went their separate ways. No matter how far apart they stay, there will always be a red string connecting their hearts; but now Kenma now on the brink of falling victim to death with every breath he takes, will death show his mercy or will the red string be severed forever?
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou
Comments: 22
Kudos: 53





	1. Prolouge

**Author's Note:**

> Heyo! Thanks for clicking on the first actual fanfiction that I've written in a while. And when I say 'in a while' I mean for 2 whole years. This story is based on my first attempt at creating a story like this when I was like 13... Hopefully, I make this better than my first attempt, well enjoy! If you have any tips to help a fellow writer out make sure to leave a comment!

In, and out. 

Inhale, then exhale.

Who would’ve thought that breathing would be something that they have to think about 24/7? I was never one of those people, neither was my mom. Staying hidden in the crowd, leveling up my Pokemon, and passing my classes was my concern back then; until breathing became more difficult. Taking a single breath without coughing became a challenge, and I became the elephant in the room. Everything changed in my second year of middle school. That unforgettable winter day remains ungraved in my head and it will for eternity; it was the day I was diagnosed with stage 2 of lymphatic cell carcinoma in my lungs. Bloodstained the snow that weighed me down as I coughed hysterically, fighting to take one breath. December 16, 2016, was the day my fight for a clear breath began. 

On average people diagnosed with this cancer only live 5 years after their diagnosis, so why not speed up the process? These kinds of thoughts would run through my mind often until he showed me the light at the end of the tunnel. Kuroo Tetsurou, childhood best friend and the life of the party. Who would’ve thought that this idiot would save me from my internal battles after almost 3 years of no contact? Who would’ve thought that we were always connected emotionally throughout those years alone?

High school also changed my life, for the better and worse. It wouldn’t have happened without Kuroo there to lead me the way; and for me to help him towards his destination as well. High school memories will also stay engraved in my memory until I take my final breath.


	2. Interesting Encounter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> School. It's an absolute shithole.

School, it’s an utter pain in the ass. The kids, the homework, and the panic of trying to find a place to be in peace during lunch. Elementary was fine because I always had Kuroo sticking around like a leech, but things throughout middle school were different. While he was hanging out with his ‘gang’ on the roof, I was in the classroom playing video games eating my vanilla and chocolate pudding. All in all, the school gives me nothing but panic attacks. In fact, I was glad to take some time off of school for chemo and radiation. Being home-schooled was life, but now for my second year of high school my mom decided that it’s time for me to get out of the house and be young. My dad straight up said I need to stop being a depressed hermit crab and get laid. I guess I had no choice but to go to Nekoma High School, known for their awesome volleyball. 

“Have a great day at school, Kenma. Don’t stress too much and make friends love you!” my mom says enthusiastically. If only I could share that same energy. 

“Yeah, l love you too,” I said. With those closing words, I was sent into the hell I would know the as high school. 

***

I tried to stay positive, I really did. However, going to a new school with people you don’t know with cancer and no friends is hard enough as it is. Did I also mention my crippling anxiety? So as I expected I stayed lunch in the classroom in the back next to the window, avoiding all eye contact and zoning in on my video game. That was until my alarm on my phone rang like a siren, time to take my medicine.

The room gradually silences when I start taking out my pills that I need to take at exactly noon. Looking up for the first time in hours I take notice of the hundreds of eyes bearing lasers into me. Whispers linger throughout the room, probably concerning me, and I take them all one by one with my water and sandwich. Prozac for my depression, Xanax for my anxiety, and set up my nasal cannula to help with my breathing. 

While I take notice of all the glares, I look out the open door upon hearing one certain voice.  _ Kuroo Testurou _ , I think to myself,  _ who would’ve thought _ . My deep thought gets interrupted by a sincere looking teacher.

“You actually have to leave your pills with the nurse, it’s part of school policy. I’m supposed to report you but, since you’re new, I’ll let it slide.” Well, thank fuck for that. “My bad…” I utter out, bowing my head once again. The bell rings once again and the boring lectures start once again. The clock is more interesting than the lessons, which I already know everything. I mean, it’s not that damn difficult. I watch until the clock hits 2:35 pm and I make a beeline for the door. I get pushed around by the other teens trying to rush out of there, but I manage with my fidget spinner helping with my anxiety. I walk all but two steps out of the classroom until I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket. It’s a text from my mom.

Mom: Sry Kenma, something came up @ work. I can pick you up in about an hr. Luv u <3

Great, now I get to stay in this hell hole for longer than anticipated. I text back a quick ‘okay’ then make my way to the library, the only place where I can read for hours on end besides jail.

Endless books line up the huge library. Books of every genre; YA novels to English American history books. Posters cover the walls of movie posters of classic Japanese movies. I stumble upon the book, ‘The Lost Hero’ by Rick Riordan. It seems interesting, so I get the rest of the series and check them out. Apparently no one’s ever done this before because the librarian looks at me with shock. He’s a young-looking redhead, no older than 20, and has the loudest hair I’ve ever seen. His eyes are amber and his skin is pale like Snow White. 

He clears his throat, “Your books are due in 4 weeks, have fun reading!” His smile is even brighter than his hair shining in the slowly setting sun. “Thanks,” I mumble and find my seat in the relatively empty haven of literature. I only get a couple of chapters in before I hear the same voice I heard before at lunch, along with other voices I don’t recognize. The footsteps get closer and when I look up Kuroo’s talking to the young librarian. They talk about a math test they had today before they both notice me eavesdropping; something I’ve gotten very good at over the past few years of talking to nearly no one. 

I drop my eyes and quickly focus back on my book. My face heats up upon the thought of Kuroo making eye contact with me. Not gonna lie, puberty hit him like a truck. The only this that hit me like a truck was all the medication and chemo I’m on now, I look like a skeleton.

Oh crap. He’s walking over here, with his friends, that I don’t know, while I blush like an idiot. 

“Hey, Kenma! It’s been fucking forever, hasn’t it? Three whole years!” he exclaims a little too loudly, enough to get hush from the librarian.

“What’s up?” I sputtered out. I fiddle with the corners of the page I’m currently on and listen to his side conversation with one of his other friends. Something about a party tonight. Wait, don’t tell me--

“Hey Kenma, wanna come to Bokuto’s party? They got booze and I heard someone’s gonna bring weed~” he whispers to me secretly. He does his signature smirk and winks at me. Me? Smoke weed? Is he out of his goddamn mind?! One whiff of that shit and I could drop dead. 

“No thanks, I don’t know if you’ve noticed but,” I refer to the tubes connecting to my nose and my lung treatment, “but I and smoke don’t mix well.” He immediately understands and exclaims, “I got you man! But we should hang out again sometime, catch up with each other!”  _ That doesn’t seem too bad _ , I think to myself,  _ almost like a date _ . 

I feel my face explode with blush and I hide my face in my book. Thank God Kuroo doesn’t seem to notice, he’s too busy dealing with his...girlfriend? His friends ooo and aaa at the scene before them unfold. A girl with a hemmed skirt and revealing cleavage have latched herself onto Kuroo’s neck. Biting him playfully and fiddles with his tie. “You’re gonna be at the party tonight right? I wanna have some  _ fun _ with you and Bokuto.”

So she’s...not his girlfriend? 

Kuroo grabs her ass and answers with a proud, “You bet your ass I’m gonna be there, baby girl.” I think I’ve seen enough, and so has the librarian. 

“That’s it! Library’s closed!” he exclaims, turning off the lights and heading out the room. Kuroo tugs on my sleeve and hands me his number on a piece of paper while his  _ friend  _ is busy leaving marks all along his neck. I quickly bow my head and get out of there. 

While outside the librarian talks to me, a lot. Even though he talks to me a lot, he doesn’t seem to bad. The library won’t seem like a too bad place to hang out after school from now on, at least if he’s there. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> completely unrelated to the story, but I have a quick rant. I catch feelings way too quickly. And I hope that I'm not catching feelings towards a certain somebody because I swear it will wreck me. Can't handle that emotional shit >0<


	3. Reflect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes it's good to reflect upon the past.

Sometimes I blame my sickness back to my first year in middle school. That was when I first tried to smoke a cigarette. It ended horrendously, and I didn’t even take a full breath of it before doubling over and coughing hysterically. Then my dad came to see what was wrong but saw me coughing like a maniac holding one of his cigarettes with the rest of the pack open on the floor. We locked eyes and, for the first time in forever, he laughed at me. It was ultimately embarrassing for me, and entertainment for my father. 

What he said next surprised me, “I won’t tell mom if you do dishes for the entire month.” 

Of course, I agreed to this deal, and the only thing I got out of that situation before getting diagnosed was that cigarettes taste terrible. However, the more I think about it, my dad probably was affected the most by it. He does a good job of hiding how he truly feels, but I’ve learned to read him. 

He’s quit smoking since he saw me and started vaping alternatively; then he quit that when I got cancer. Just like how I think that one cigarette caused this whole conundrum, I think he blames himself the most.

So when I saw Kuroo for the first time smoking a cigarette behind the school after leaving the library, I have an internal feeling that maybe he’s not doing it just because. Maybe he’s too addicted to quit or it’s peer pressure, I know something’s up and he does too; it’s just a gut feeling. 

***

This is my second week staying after school at the library, and I’ve learned a lot. One thing I’ve got out of being so quiet is that you observe things others don’t. For example, I’ve discovered that the school librarian, Shoyo Hinata, is gay and has a husband he lives with in a small apartment. When he talks his eyes sparkle and his eyebrows slightly lift up; but when he talks about something he loves his expression kind of softens, and his eyes wrinkle around the sides. He’s wise for someone so young, he’s only 23, but says it’s because of what he went through when he was young at his high school. 

“The volleyball team said they didn’t need a midget with almost no volleyball experience, but then Tobio Kageyama saw something in me no one else saw, and let me play a practice match. That’s how I made the team and how I met my husband,” he told me one time. That’s when his eyes looked up to the orange-lit sky while the sun was setting, and his eyes held all the joy in the world. 

I wish I could be like him, full of light and hold all the answers to his life that he ever needed. Living humbly with the love of his life in the big city, paid to be surrounded by books all day. 

So I decided that I should probably be more of a fighter, and I decide to text Kuroo.

**From: Me**

**To: Volleyball Idiot**

**When did you start? -- Kenma btw**

No time for small talk I figure, and I want to get down to why he started. As soon as I pick up my book my phone dings.

_ Perfect timing _ , I think to myself as I open my phone to our text conversation.

**From: Volleyball Idiot** **  
** **To: Me**

**There’s a lot of things I started that I probably shouldn’t have. Which one?**

_ Well, this is gonna be a long night. _

**From: Me**

**To: Volleyball Idiot**

**All of them.**

With that, I learn even more about those next to me. I learn that Kuroo started smoking his freshman year while he saw his friends doing it and wanted to try. He usually vapes apple pie flavor and his drinking started winter break of our third year in middle school. He eats edibles all day on the weekends but just started smoking weed instead about a month ago. His partying stemmed from his parents always being out of town and being bored his first year in high school, and that’s also when he started banging girls left and right.

I don’t know if I’m jealous or frightened that he hasn’t fallen ill from doing all that. There’s a gut instinct inside telling me that he’s not proud of doing these things and that he wants to stop. Since texting can’t really tell you the tone of someone speaking and I want to test my theory, I call him. The phone rings for a while before he finally picks up, and I hear sniffles. 

_ He’s crying, _

“H-hey.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short chapters and the inconsistent updates. I'm a really busy person and share a computer with my entire family so it's hard to find alone time to just type out my stories in peace.


	4. Fight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Oh how times have changed..."

“I’m coming over, what’s your address?” I demand with a pen and paper ready to write down the address. 

“Bro, you don’t have to come over. I’m doing all right, I swear,” he claims between hiccups and sniffles. 

“I don’t give two shits if you say you’re okay, I’m coming over,” I state, then continue to break into a coughing fit. My peripheral vision disappears and my sense of balance is lost as I stumble onto the closest thing next to me. Blood covers my forearm as my coughing gets worse. 

I regain my breath just as my mom walks into my room; concern covers her face when she sees me stumbling across my room to my door, “Where the hell do you think you’re going?” she demands. 

“I’m going to see a friend. Please take me there,” I ask, no, beg my mother. 

“Look at you! There’s no way you can go out in that condi-”

“Please! Take me to see Kuroo before I die!” I exclaim. 

She looks at me in shock, and even I surprise myself. That’s when my dad walks in the door, all joyful and happy like always. That is until he walks in on me and my mom’s argument, the atmosphere so thick you could cut it with a knife. 

“Honey, take him to Kuroo’s house,” requests my mother in her sweetest voice. When she uses that voice no one, not even my routy father, can protest.

“You got it,” answers my dad, and like that I’m on my way to Kuroo’s house with the address he texted me. 

The car ride has to be single-handedly the most awkward car ride I’ve ever experienced in my life. The only noises that fill the silent void is the faint sound of our breaths, our occasional coughs and the faint sounds of the radio. 

I turn the radio station so something decent plays and after flipping through what feels like a million stations, Frank Sinatra plays. Me and my dad’s favorite song plays,  _ My Way. _

“And now, the end is near..” sings my dad silently, eyes glued to the traffic filled road in front of him. 

“And so I face the final curtain,” I continue, looking up from my fidgety fingers up at my dad. 

He slightly turns his head in my direction and continues to sing as the song goes on, “ My friend, I'll say it clear.”

Then we continue in a perfect harmony, just like when we were little and he would watch over me while my mom was working, “And I'll state my case, of which I'm certain.” 

_ I've lived a life that's full _

_ I've traveled each and every highway _

_ And more, much more than this _

_ I did it my, my way _

The rest of the car ride goes on like this, until we pull up to the front of his house where another car is also parked there. Then my father wipes his tears and looks at me full of sorrow. 

_ He’s crying..But why? _

“Listen, son. I heard you saying that you wanted to see Kuroo before you die, but you will not die, do you understand me? For as long as I love you, you will continue to live on so we can sing that song again under better circumstances. Please, for the love of me and your mom...Keep fighting.”

“I promise, Dad,” I cry out while unbuckling my seatbelt, “I’ll keep fighting.” 

We embrace each other in his old Ford pick up truck before I head out towards the door and ring the doorbell. 

A tall, masculine, owl-looking guy opens the door. His eyes are bloodshot red and he reeks of marijuana. 

“Whad’ya want?” he grunted while he leaned in close to my face. 

“I’m here to see Kuroo,” I mumble, pushing past him to where a huge mass of smoke is being formed. Behind the huge fog lies Kuroo, he’s almost unrecognizable because of how high he is. A hollow hypodermic needle and a syringe lies on the living room table and beer bottles flood the floor. He lays sprawled out on the floor with his phone in one hand and a lit joint in the other. 

Upon seeing me he puts it out in a bare spot in the carpet and gets up, or at least tries to. His entire equilibrium is off balance and he stumbles after taking one step. I’m quick to catch him and lay him down on the couch. I scramble to get all the beer bottles in the nearest trash can and throw away the needle. 

I turn on the fans and tend to Kuroo who lays dead-weight on the couch. I don’t even know where to start, what do I say to him when he’s in this bad of shape? Then I remember back to elementary school, when we both were on the volleyball court together. There was absolute joy radiating from him every time I would set him the ball and he would hit it over the net. He held onto the brightest smile out of everyone in the court. When we won the last game of our grade school volleyball season, he cried tears of joy, and he was the only one that I could see the burning passion in his heart for the sport. I remember like it was yesterday how he was telling me he was gonna make the Olympic team and be the best out of everyone there. The smile he has on his face that day slowly fades as my attention goes back to the volleyball idiot sobbing their eyes out on the couch while the owl guy drinks his beer in the kitchen. 

This whole thing is fucking wrong. This whole. Fucking. Situation.

“An Olympic volleyball player doesn’t get high and drink themselves into oblivion.”

He turns to me with tears dripping down his cheeks like raindrops and the owl guy sets down his beer and turns over here with shock invading his face. Kuroo gets up and looks me dead in the eyes, before he gets up and walks over to me in a semi-straight line. 

He looks down at me and the distance gets me flustered; behind all the alcohol and weed lies his scent that I’ve loved since I met him. His eyes are still the beautiful amber brown color I love with flecks of yellow. He reaches down to put a hand on the back of my neck and presses our foreheads together before whispering with shame, “But Olympic volleyball players aren’t bisexual like me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> even though I'm certain they'll never find this nor read it, I dedicate this chapter to my granddad. Who loves My Way by Frank Sinatra and to my mother as well, who also loves that song. It is their fault for why I also love that song.


	5. IM SO SORRY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> guys I love you all  
> Thanks so much for all your support!!
> 
> 大好き!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I done messed up

Not an update I'm sorry but one will come soon. 

I got in a lot of trouble lately cuz your girl is an idiot. And I kinda gave up on this story tbh. But reading you guys comments and seeing all the hits has really got me thinking, "I need to stop being so critical of myself!" Tbh I started this story on Wattpad I think a couple years back. That was bad, like BAD. But thanks to a good education from a school that would actually teach me now, I know how to really effect the reader, and apparently I have successfully!

Thank you all for support so so much, I remember starting this scared but now I'm excited. 

Tbh Im still kinda going through low key an addiction so I was laying low on anything fanfiction and watching only baking stuff and sports anime. But man I really messed up, and I'm so freaking glad that I have your support. Working on chapter 4 as we speak and trying to contact my editor, she's amazing I love her so much. ALSO DROPPING A KAGEHINA FIC SOON ONCE I GOT IT ALL FIGURED OUT!!!! 

I really wanna make the best content for you guys and myself. I mean I'm only 15, how can I appeal to people that have actual experience writing??

Who knows, my English teacher might read it and bump my grade up if I need it lol, we can only hope.

Stay inside, stay safe, and love y'all!

I mean I even started Japanese lessons, it's hard but what else can I do (shrug)


	6. Why?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I've never stopped loving his eyes, his smile, or his lips..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ITS HERE, FINALLY HERE!

Kuroo’s… bisexual? That’s why he’s given up on his life, that’s why he’s always partying, _that’s why he’s forgotten his true passions and aspirations?_

Part of me wants to slap him, the other half wants me to kiss him right here and tell him everything’s okay. Hell nothing, _nothing_ , is wrong with being bisexual. I try to understand where he’s coming from but I can’t, literally. Because I break into a huge coughing fit.

I push him away slightly and cough up a little blood and try to breath through my shirt to filter out some of the smoke lingering in the air. I feel my knees buckle and I hit the floor. Keeping my eyes open becomes a challenge and my vision slowly turns to a blur. 

The room is turning.

There’s yells of worry and rushing around.

_I’m fine,_ I yell out but no one hears me. 

Everything disappears except for Kuroo, who holds my limp skeleton body and sobs. Begging the Gods to show their mercy on me.

Darkness. Like the emptiness of space surrounds me like a cold blanket. I could get used to this...

  
  


***

I wake up to the rhythmic beeping of the heart rate monitors linked up to me. I look around, my mother’s there. As well as my dad. The owl guy is there but standing over me stroking my hair in a caring manner is Kuroo. 

I try to get words out but the nurse walks in before I can. 

I can tell she’s a sweet woman, probably married to her high school sweetheart and has a sweet smile. A fake smile; something’s missing in her life. 

“It was just stress, and due to _the environment,_ ” she glared daggers into Owl Guy and Kuroo who looked away bashfully, “it set something off. He should lay back a little bit, maybe skip a day or two of school and he’ll be good,” she says with her fake smile again. She takes a couple more notes and leaves to tend to her next client. 

“Can me and Kuroo get some time alone, please.”

My mom and dad look at him for a second before nodding their head at me and leave closing the door behind them. The owl guy looks up from his phone and looks me in the eyes intensely. 

“I apologize for putting you in danger!”

Honestly this kind of shocks me. I just nod and before I can say anything he leaves; now it’s just me and Kuroo.

I slap him weakly and kiss him on the forehead. I must have balls to kiss my childhood friend especially after ghosting each other for years, but I said it myself,

_I might die soon._

And for this reason I’m mad. Really, _extremely_ , fucking mad. I’m mad that he thinks that partying and dripping acid will help him with his troubles, I’m mad at him for ghosting me, I’m mad at him for giving up on his aspirations, I’m mad that he wants to give up just because the sword swings both ways, and I’m mad that after all these years I still loved him. 

I tell him all of this. I spill my guts to him, I scream and I cry and I punch him. I don’t care how irrational I look. I wanted to tell him everything for the past three years but couldn’t. I would’ve told him all the games I beat or that I figured out I’m really fucking gay. I would’ve told him that I have cancer and might not make it to age 30.

I wanted to tell him all of this so I tell him this regardless of how this might affect our current friendship. Most of all I wanted to ask him, why did we drift apart? Is it because of what I told him on the last day of 6th grade? Is it because of what we did in the park that one day? Is he just a douchebag now? 

So I ask, because if not now then I might never get the chance to.

***

_“Kenma! Play volleyball with me!” exclaims Kuroo when the bell rings signaling the end of grade school. I honestly don’t want to, but what else have I got to do? Play through my Zelda games for the 3rd time this week?_

_“Uhmm… okay,” I mumble hiding my face under my long hair. To think that this volleyball idiot came all the way from his middle school on his little bike just to bug me to play volleyball._

I remember that, before I did something so _so_ dumb. 

_“Hey Kenma! Did you know that boys can kiss each other too!” Kuroo declares._

_“What? That’s nonsense,” I argue. This goes on for a while before he finally states,_

_“Well I saw these two guys do it on YouTube! Apparently a lot of guys kiss each other. Some are even married!”_

_Oh yeah, that video. I’ve seen it. Hell I think everyone has seen it. Everyone in my class says it’s wrong though, isn’t it? Boys kiss girls and that’s that? They say it’s wrong for a guy to like a guy and girls to like girls._

_“Isn’t that wrong though?” I question Kuroo, who replies with a laugh._

_“Kenma you’re funny! Of course it’s wrong! My teacher even said so!”_

_Oh. Well is the fact that I really like Kuroo’s eyes and smile bad too? I ask this too but he just blushes and looks away._

_“UHmm.. Yeah! Like how I_ really _like you is wrong too!”_

_Kuroo likes me? Wait I like him too, does that mean we hug? Kiss? Go on a date? I’ve only ever played dating simulators once I don’t know what to do. Apparently Kuroo does; I look up after a while of thinking and there he is, with that gorgeous smile of his._

_“You know I have a friend that said that it’s okay to kiss guys though, especially if you like them. He said to just go for it! If you really like them, that’s how he got his boyfriend! Oya!”_

_So… if I like him, do I just kiss him? Even if it’s wrong? I mean he’s right there, what’s the harm? He said it himself._

_So I go for it. I kiss him on the lips right then and there. They’re so soft, softer than any girl’s could be. He’s so warm, it’s so comforting. If this is wrong, I don’t want to be right._

_He pulls away with a red face before looking down back at me._

_“I don’t think friends do this… especially friends that are guys.”_

_Oh._

_Before I say anything he runs away and doesn’t turn back. And I’m alone again, in the cool summer breeze._

I’ve never stopped loving his eyes, his smile, or his lips. But we’re grown now, I can’t just kiss him. 

“Is it because I kissed you in 6th grade? You thought I was a slut and left me?” I yell. Letting the tears fall down my face I look him dead in the eye. 

He gets closer, enclosing me with his two strong arms and closes the space in between us to only a couple of centimeters. I don’t break my glare and neither does he break his stare. After what seemed like forever he finally speaks, and his voice cracks like fragile glass hitting the floor, 

“You want to know why I left? Fine, but brace yourself.”


	7. Fear and Insecurities

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I thought loving you was wrong...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yall i made fan art for my previous chapter! It's not that good in mi opinion but yaknow i thought you guys might enjoy it and you guys do i'll consider doing more ahha

https://photos.app.goo.gl/c2hgFS5X9cqqNcgs5

“Ever since that kiss, I knew something was up, I just knew. I didn’t think you were a slut and that’s not why I left you. From that kiss on, I knew I wasn’t straight. It was wrong, I thought loving you was wrong,”

_Love?!_

“So I avoided you, I avoided my friend Bokuto who said to just kiss you as well as his boyfriend. The only people I associate myself with were the people that convinced me not being straight is wrong. I did everything they did to ensure that I was kidding myself when I wanted to kiss you again, take you on a date, and hold you in my arms to make sure no one else would make fun of you like they did in 4th grade. There were so many times that I wanted to call you and make sure everything was okay, but then you just left. It was your second year of middle school during the winter when you just left. I still couldn’t call you, I still loved you after all this time,” he cried out. 

“When I got to high school and joined the volleyball team I saw Bokuto again with his boyfriend. They were both on the team, Bokuto was the main star and Akaashi was his setter. They were fighting, apparently Bokuto has been struggling to get his act together for longer than I have.”

_Really? Owl Guy?_

“Then when he saw me smoking pot outside after practice one day after my friend gave it to me as a joke, he started smoking with me. And that’s how we started talking again, we only ever get high with each other; because I’m scared of facing the fact that I’ve left him for all these years. When I saw you I just couldn’t do it anymore, I loved you too damn much. You started texting me and I couldn’t help but spill all of the things I've bottled up for so long. I need to start facing my fears, so yesterday when me and Bokuto were at my house yesterday I finally talked to him. We talked and talked and we both couldn’t help getting high. There were too much emotions to handle all at once. Then you called and came over and I was already too stoned to get the air cleared for you, so now you’re stuck in this situation and I couldn’t do anything,” he sobbed out. 

This volleyball idiot has no idea either, that I’ve never stopped loving him. I love him now, when his hair is a wreck and he still has the faint smell of alcohol. 

Before he could say anything else, I wiped the tears off his cheeks and closed the distance between our lips. 

But this time, he doesn’t pull away. He embraces me while I run my skinny hands through his nappy hair. Time stops and we kiss forever, until the clock starts again and the nurse walks in. 

We jump away from each other and look away before I fall back into my temptations and kiss him in front of the nurse who’s only here to check my vitals and let me go.

“You’re all set and ready to be discharged,” she says with another one of her fake smiles. She glances at me and Kuroo before leaving the room before advising, “Make sure you two take care of each other, don’t take each other for granted. Life is short, you’ll never know when it ends.”

***

**To: Me**

**From: Volleyball Idiot**

**Subject: about that kiss…**

Hey so, uhmm... I don’t know how you thought about that kiss but I think that there was something there. I sincerely meant everything that I said, and I’m sorry for doing this over text but I would really like to treat you to dinner one day. 

**To: Volleyball Idiot**

**From: Me**

**Subject: Re: about that kiss...**

Yes. yes. Yes. a million times yes. 

**To: Me**

**From: Volleyball Idiot**

**Subject: Re: about that kiss...**

Is tomorrow at 7 okay?

**To: Volleyball Idiot**

**From: Me**

**Subject: Re: about that kiss...**

Yes! 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> completly unrelated to the story but guys MY CRUSH LIKED ME BACK! after quarintine we're going on a date hehe. I'm so happpyyyyyyyyyyyyy


	8. Heaven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "oh, that's what was in the bag..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys I make videos on YouTube ahha
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/user/kailanijones14

From my deepest memories I always remember having some sort of health problems. Whether it be my weak immune system or crippling asthma that almost killed me as a baby, I’ve always been sickly. Other than my mom, I hated people showing me sympathy. It won’t fix the fact that I’m still weak, and I just want to blend in anyway. I always feel like telling them to leave me alone, that I just want to be normal and play outside at recess with the other kids or join the volleyball team with Kuroo so he can stop begging me. I wanted to do all of these things but the thing that just stung the most that I couldn’t do no matter how much I begged my parents, was to compete in a gaming tournament. Splatoon 2, Super Smash Bros, Overwatch, even Fortnite I didn’t care; I wanted to win. 

I couldn’t buy anything to really capture my gameplay to stream on Twitch nor have any friends to team up with. 

When I got diagnosed with cancer I knew for a fact I couldn’t do anything that I dreamed of doing. My main motivation turned into a mere fantasy, shoved to the back of my brain never to be brought up again.

***

“I’m telling you, don’t dress too fancy,” sighed Kuroo on the phone. 

“Ok but can you just tell me where we’re going? If we’re not going to dinner tonight then where?” I asked for the millionth time.

“Nah, we’ll get dinner after. You’re probably gonna be begging me for some apple pie when we leave the place.”

  
  


“Ok fine, Kuroo. This better be good.”

“Trust me, you’re gonna think you just came back from a dream.”

I hang up the phone without saying goodbye so I can get ready. My dad already picked out an outfit for me upon finding out that I have a date. It’s not too fancy, but from the sounds of it the outfit he picked out might be a little much. I go with my gut that says to just put on a classic t-shirt and shorts. I brush my hair, brush my teeth for the fifth time today, wash my face, and drown my armpits in layers of antiperspirant. 

By the time I’m done getting ready my dad’s calling for me to get my ass downstairs. I rush downstairs and I can already feel myself starting to sweat.

My dad hands me my medicine and a brown bag, he says it’s for when the time comes; whatever that means. 

The doorbell rings and my mom opens the door with a blinding smile.

“Good to see you again, Kuroo! Sorry but Kenma can’t hang out today, he has plans,” my dad states, coming up to him to give him a bear crushing hug. Oh yeah, I forgot to tell them who my date was with. Ha ha.

“Uhm, sir, I think I  _ am  _ plans. Did Kenma not tell you?” Kuroo asks. 

My mom and dad immediately turned to me, shocked. Then look back at him. 

My dad snaches the brown bag from me and runs up to his room. My mom just stays confused before finally realizing who my date was with. 

“Oh my! This is certainly a surprise!” My mom exclaims, letting Kuroo in to take a seat in the living room. Me and Kuroo take a seat exactly 15 centimeters apart stiff as statues. My dad comes rushing downstairs with the same brown bag with even more things in it and hands it back to me.

“Well have fun kids, stay safe!” my dad states with a laugh. 

My mom and dad are obviously on different pages when it comes to me and Kuroo. 

“Honey, wait. Shouldn’t we talk to them about, well,  _ this _ ?” My mom asks with her same blinding smile. 

“What’s there to talk about, we knew he was going on a date eventually,” my dad replies with his laughs shaking the room.

It takes about a minute for my dad to realize what my mom meant, and when he did he just stood there, frozen. I don’t even think he was breathing. 

“Well I’ll be off mom, bye dad,” I murmur before quietly exiting the house and into Kuroo’s car.

Such a gentleman he is; opening the door for me and offering me beverages and drinks. Now if only he would tell me where the fucking place is that we’re going.

It’s not a long drive, living in Tokyo and all the main city is right there. I could technically walk there but I’m crippled so…

“We’re here!” yells Kuroo after parking the car like a drunk man.

“I still don’t know where we are,” I deadpan. However as soon as I get out of the car I know where we are, we’re at the biggest gaming convention in town. Super Smash Bros tournament for advanced players. 

I run to the front entrance and I think I’m in heaven. Cosplayers galore and the smells of tears and BO fill the air. For that reason I break into a coughing fit and fall onto Kuroo.

He’s warm and strong, and he doesn’t carry his usual smell of alcohol and pot; rather it’s the same smell from when I first kissed him all those years ago. It’s comforting, but I can’t stay here forever. I'm in public so I push away and look up at his face. 

It’s redder than Hinata’s hair. 

I rush inside at my comfortable pace this time, get my wristband, and make my way to the competitive table. Kuroo has already signed me up prior to the tournament and I’m the first one up. I take my seat in the gaming chair and I think I could die from how at home I feel. I love it here. I don’t want to leave.

Is this my purpose here? To win at these games? To conquer the gaming world by storm with such little time left in my life? 

I win. And I win some more, all while Kuroo is here and supporting me and buying me gifts. When I win the whole tournament Kuroo kisses me, in front of all these people. But I don’t care. Because I love it here, and I love him. 

“I love you, Kuroo,” I scream once we get in the car and away from the crowds.

“I love you too, Kenma,” He replies, kissing me on the cheeks.

I toss the trophy in the back seat and push Kuroo’s seat back so I can fit into his lap. I plop myself on his thighs and wrap my legs around him and run my hands through his hair. My lips find his and we make out for what seems like forever. 

Maybe I already died and I’m in heaven? 

“Kuroo, I want to have sex.”

Oh fuck I really just said that. 

Well, then. Uhmm…

“Fuck yeah.”

“Okay, cool. What happens now?”

“Well do you have that brown bag your dad gave you?”

“Yeah, oh that’s what was in it…” I mumble, hiding my face into his chest. I feel his warm strong hands run along my lower back.

“Yeah, let me take you back to my place for tonight,” 

“Okay, I would like that,” I breathe out flustered.

“Yeah, me too. I love you so much Kenma.”

“I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really cringy and late to update my bad i-


	9. Angel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I fell asleep in the arms of an angel, and his name was Kuroo Tetsurou

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao y'all i'm not dead and neither is this story. more notes at the end

“Fuck you,” is the first thing that comes out of my mouth to Kuroo after he literally blew my back out. I had the best night last night, and I shared my precious flower with someone whom I love from the bottom of my heart. The aching that’s been ignored for the past few years has been healed after sharing the most memorable moment of my life with the guy that stole my heart all those years ago.

Unfortunately, Kuroo forgot that it was indeed my first time and was definitely not his first. Therefore, when he did as he normally would he broke my  _ very  _ virgin ass.   
  
“I love you too, Kenma,” Kuroo purrs into my ear, massaging my lower back. I rest my head against his chest and listen to his soft heartbeat. My eyes begin to drift off to sleep again before he gets up and plays an old-ass song that I know only the one and only Kuroo loves,  _ oui  _ by Jeremih

He leaves the room to turn on the bath in the bathroom right beside his room. He waits a little for the water to warm up before picking me up bridal style.    
  
Who knew the smart-ass jock could treat someone like me as a literal queen?    
  
He wipes the excess sweat off of me before helping me into the hot and steamy bath. He goes under the sink to grab some pink bath bombs and plops them in the bath. The sizzling of the bath bombs dissolving surrounds me and I lean back against the wall, sighing in relief. 

Kuroo sets our towels off to the side and gets in behind me. He sings the song softly to me in a deep, smooth voice. 

His rough, callused hands massage my scalp with cherry shampoo as I lean back onto his rock hard abs. 

_ If we tried that we could be _

_ Somewhere the climate is warm, long as you around me _

_ I swear that everything will be just fine _

I close my eyes in pleasure as he rinses the shampoo from my hair, making sure not to get any in my face. His hands rub my scalp to make sure to get all of it out before moving on to the conditioner. 

He tends to my hair with the utmost care, as if it might break if he handled it too harshly. He moisturizes every strand of my thick hair before rinsing it out carefully. He pours soap into his mesh shower puffy and washes away the day’s tension and dried sweat off of me. He rinses the bubbles off of me and massages my tense shoulders.    
  
I relax into his touch and groan at the knots in my back and shoulder being tended to with the utmost care.    
  
“Are your legs okay, kitten?” he asks, kissing my temples and cheek.    
  
“Yeah, I’m so tired babe,” I whisper, lazily kissing his lips.   
  
“Same here,” he yawns, “I had a fun time tonight.”

“Me too, until you broke my back,” I snarkily replied. He laughs deeply in my ear before draining the tub and lifting me out of the bath. He sets me on the counter and dries me off, touching every inch of my body and I’m just too wiped out to stop him. He gently dries my ass and dresses me in one of his large hoodies. He dries my hair in one of his cotton t-shirts.    
  
“Why the t-shirt?” I ask. 

“I heard it’s better for drying hair than a towel, something about split ends,” he replies before kissing my neck and locking eyes with me through the mirror’s reflection, “and I would hate for your hair to get messed up because of something I did.” 

Blushing, I nod and hide my face in his hoodie. He leads me to the bed before settling me in and turning off his music. He gets in and embraces me, kissing the top of my head and stroking my hair.    
  
And as if something went off in my head, I break into tears. 

“Kuroo, I love you so much! I love you! I love you! I love you!” I sob into his chest.    
  
He lifts my chin and kisses me deeply, wiping my own and his tears that snuck his way into his eyes. 

“Kenma, I love you too. So much…I love you.”

And on March 18, 2017 I fell asleep to Kuroo’s soft I love you’s and in the arms of an angel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well first I just wanna say thank you for sticking around for the next chapter! I'm not gonna lie freshman me was a damn good writer I struggled writing this not gonna lie. I thought I was done with this story until I realized that I can't just abandon something like this without finishing it. I didn't want to be *that* fanfiction writer that leaves something a wip, despite personal issues I want to make time for the things I enjoy and writing this is what I enjoy and I just have been procrastinating. Glad to be back in the writing game, even though it's hard as fuck.
> 
> But life update! I learned how to parallel park today! And me and my partner are doing really good and I've never been so happy nor simped so hard. 
> 
> Lmao this story brought me back to the old music days. I loved the song oui in 5th grade and listening to j cole writing this brought me baaaaack. Damn I'm getting old too fast.


End file.
